Filed under Behavior …

Jul 02 2012
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Behavior, Change, Decisions, Reality

Facing Reality

It’s much easier to turn away than it is to stare straight ahead.

Facing what is in front of you is a difficult task.  More often than not, our society and culture tells us, “Don’t worry about it, because it is probably someone else’s fault that you are in the position that you are in.”  The truth–the reality–is that we are most likely to shirk the reality and responsibilities of life.  Whether in our financial, physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual lives facing the realities that stare at us in the mirror are exactly that; a reflection of our choices.

There will always be outside circumstances that fling themselves into our lives, but we are not responsible for what comes our way that we can’t control.  We are responsible, though, to react and not continue down the same path when the terrain has changed.  It is our job to act; to face reality head on.

Herein lies the problem.  When you and I face a problem or a situation which calls us to change our current way, we usually react in one of two ways:

We Face Reality Because it is an Easy Fix

This is the easy one.  These are the problems that we find in our day-to-day lives that really don’t seem like a big deal.  They are the type of problems that we engage because they are easy.  We can make decisions because we feel confident that even if we make the wrong decision, it probably won’t do too much harm to re-change our decision if needed.

We Face Reality When We No Longer Have a Choice

This outcome is far more likely to happen to us than the former.  Most of us don’t like confrontations.  Definitely when we need to confront ourselves.  We see this happen in businesses and individuals lives all the time.  We try to not engage the problem(s) because it just seems too overwhelming and quite frankly, we just want it all to go away.  The problem is, the longer we wait the fewer options we have, and usually the deeper we dig ourselves into a hole.  For individuals and businesses, no matter the realm, facing the reality of a situation is that best thing we can do.

Facing reality is your best friend.

Choosing to engage your reality can be the difference between living a life of self-sabotage, and living a life of self-confidence.  Too often we live the life of self-sabotage simply because it is an “easier” life.  By the way:

Indecision is a decision.

A life of self-confidence, control, and engagement takes work.  It takes decisions and habits.  There is a constant battle inside of us all.  Decide to engage.  Decide to live life in reality.  Reality is much better than an alternate world.  In reality you can make a change, decide to become better, and face the mirror in the morning with a sense of purpose.

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Oct 11 2011
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Behavior, Consequences, Decisions, Direction, Precipice

The Precipice of Choice

Had an interesting thing happen last night in our apartment area.  While taking Sydney (our dog) out to help water the grass, Kristina and I saw two young guys passing a football.  Nothing too crazy about that except they were targeting cars with why they passed.  Yes they intentionally were hitting cars, laughing the all the while.  After asking them to stop, another gentleman came up to us and said that they have been doing the same thing for the last 4 to 5 months and that we need to talk to one of the security people on the property to make sure that the apartment complex knew about it.

To make a long story short, we ended up having to talk to the police about the entire incident.  So why write about this?  Well, I think that these two 17 year old boys are at a precipice.  My guess is that they probably haven’t had the best of lives growing up.  They might have not had the best parents, upbringing, opportunities, or any number of things that I took for granted growing up.  And yet their reality remains the same; they are at a precipice.  I continue to use the word precipice because it means, “a very steep cliff or overhanging place, or hazardous situation.”

They are in great danger.  If they continue to show the lack of respect to others, then the freedom that they want so much will continue to be taken from them.  When the police officers were not present, there was laughing as the destruction of property.  However, when the police came, there was no laughing.  It became the classic defense of those t00 young to realize that the world is in fact not against them, but that there are grown-up consequences for grown-up actions.

As Kristina and I returned to our apartment, we said a prayer for them; that these two young 17 year olds would begin to realize that they have a choice in front of them: to turn from the hazardous roads that brought us together, or continue to head towards the steep cliff where the hazards and consequences of their decisions have even greater ramifications.

Yes this is a story of 17 year olds on the precipice of choices that will effect the direction and destination of their lives.  We all have similar choices.  They can seem harmless at the time; even laughing at them.  But the reality is that we own our decisions when a choice is made.  Set an example for those around you.  Make wise choices.  Surround yourself with people who have more wisdom, experience, and are pointed in the direction of success.

Aug 23 2011
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Behavior, Change, Decisions, Direction, Family, msnbc, Personal Responsibility, Relationship

Marriage, Health, and Person Responsibility

I just was reading an article on MSNBC.com entitled, “Marriage’s ‘dark side’: Spouses catch each other’s bad behavior”.  This rather short article on a recent study about marriages and long-term couples catching each other’s bad behaviors is interesting.  I don’t disagree with the fact that we all (individually) bring bad behaviors into marriages and/or relationships.  Some are not good for our health, spiritual life, or many other areas in our lives.  Specifically in the this article, the issue of bad behaviors of health are discussed.

The author cites three major problems where behaviors are hurt within a relationship: “influence, synchronicity, and personal responsibility.”

I do think that all three are factors within relationship health, not just general physical health.  But as I look at these three, I wonder which of these is the most important factor?  Or can focussing on one bend the bad to being good?

It is clear to me that personal responsibility is the overriding factor.  Why?  First of all, personal responsibility is in short supply in today’s society.  There is a constant “blame game” that goes on at every level of leadership and cultural groups in the US.  This also includes marriages.  I believe that most people who are married want to “catch” good behaviors from each other.  Yet personal responsibility is lacking.  When a spouse has personal responsibility (over physical, spiritual, emotional or mental health) positive influence is built.  The other spouse can look on with pride at the responsibility level of his or her partner.  This creates positive influence.  With that positive influence comes synchronicity.   All of the sudden couples find themselves working out together, eating healthier, reading together, praying together; moving in synchronization together.

Personal responsibility is a powerful tool, not only for individuals, but families as well.  The reality is that we will “catch” each others behaviors whether positive or negative.  Yet sometimes it takes just one person in the relationship to say, “Its time to take responsibility, and I choose to influence my families behavior in a positive way.”

Aug 09 2011
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Behavior, Decisions, Direction

Young Choices

It’s a revolving door isn’t it?

I was just looking through pictures of some family members that I hadn’t seen in a while, and I thought to myself, “Wow, they have gotten big!”  Also, I began to think, “How old could they possibly be?!”  Better stop those kind of thoughts though, reminds me of someone who is getting older.

There is nothing we can do about growing older.  In fact, for the most part, we typically embrace getting older.  With age comes experiences, independence, and hopefully wisdom.  At 27, I can look down and see the generations that are growing up.  They stare ahead with great excitement and determination.  Not really sure, about why they are excited or determined, but nevertheless ready to take their abilities, skills, and gusto to the world.

Ready to win the day, they step out of the gate and stumble like a thoroughbred making missteps as the shoot opens for the race to begin.  The decisions they make right out the door, have the possibility to set them on a road to victory or trap them for years to come.

The decisions that they are making are mammoth; and yet most see their decisions as something that is separate and isolated.  Somehow, we expect them to make wise decisions, when wisdom for them is a relatively new concept, because what they have seen coming out of our homes.

The only advice I can give the upcoming generation is this:  Seek out wisdom.  Don’t make your decisions on emotions.  Your decisions mean something.  They set you on a direction and path that you will follow.  If you linger too long on the wrong path, your feet will dig a trench that will put you further in a rut that you do not want to experience.  Seek out wisdom.  Find it, no matter how long it takes.

Aug 03 2011
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Behavior, Relationship, The Sleepover

The Sleepover Relationship

On last night and this morning’s local news, there was a story that caught my eye about a recent trend that has begun to emerge in young adults.  According to a new study from the University of Missouri, there  has been an ever-increasing trend for young adults to bypass the traditional ways to marriage (dating, then marriage or dating, moving in, then marriage) and instead have started to fall into the category of what is being called “The Sleepover.”

On the news and in other articles this approach has been lauded as a great new way to keep one’s individuality, space, and lack of financial commitment.

When I thought about those arguments for this idea of “the sleepover” relationship, I think I begin to realize something about those who decide to take this route.  This route is not a true relationship.  When you are committed to another person, your identity, space and commitment must be entire.  The wild part of about “the sleepover” method is the idea that this is a great road towards marriage.  The whole point of marriage is to “become one”.

For me, I am tied to my wife, Kristina.  When she succeeds, I succeed.  When I fail, she fails.  That is why many singles don’t like being around married people…we are…”we” people.  It isn’t about the “I” in life anymore; and its the best thing in the world!

“The sleepover” theology also lacks authenticity.  There is never enough commitment to force anyone to be completely open; you can always go back to your own little corner and “discover” yourself while never allowing your significant other to fully realize who you really are.

The reality is that “the sleepover” path is not that far off from the “moving-in” path.  Both are destructive to a long-term, long-committed marriage.  Most importantly both do not tie God into the relationship.  When a couple decides to marry, it is a covenant between the individuals and God.  Marriage brings the covering of God over the family and relationship.  ”Sleeping over” or even moving-in lack this all important step.

The truth remains that this is a trend that will probably only increase.  And that in lies the problem with trends; always changing, they sweep the one’s that are not grounded in any foundation.

Jul 20 2011
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#wcalgs, Attitude, Behavior, Decisions, Direction, Heart, Jeff Manion, The Global Leadership Summit, The Land Between

Habits of the Heart

I have recently been reading a book entitled, The Land Between by Jeff Manion.  I first heard of this book last year at The Global Leadership Summit  put on each year by the Willow Creek Association.  The Land Between is all about how we decide to react in difficult transitions in our lives.  This is a great resource for anyone.  Literally anyone, because we will all experience times in our lives that test our faith.  Whether it is a loss of a job, marriage, family member, or even just transitioning from high school to college or college to the “real world”, we all experience and will continue to experience difficult transitions in our lives.  Some will be very positive and we won’t think much about it, but what about those time where they are negative?

Early on in the book, Manion makes a statement that I think should really make us stop and think about how important the transitions in life are:

The habits of the heart that we foster in this space–our responses and reactions–will determine whether the Land Between results in spiritual life or spiritual death.  We choose.

What an awesome statement!  We all have habits, but in those times of life where our habits get disrupted, when normal is cut through with a knife, we are left to form new habits.  And the habits that we form in our hearts are the most important habits that we will form during these times.  Our responses and reactions to situations will set our lives on a path.  What we choose will determine whether or not our journey through difficult times result in spiritual growth or spiritual decay.

What habits are you forming that will help you grow in times of difficulty?

Jul 12 2011
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Attitude, Behavior, Change, Decisions, Growth, Resolve

Resolve Today

The lights flicker.

Like a shot of adrenaline, you begin to feel the imaginative juices and hope for a better today.  Yet like the lights flickering away, today gets in the way of the potential better today.  Confusion sets in.  The adrenaline has run its course through your veins and you need another shot to get that high that you just experienced.  The high that today, is the first day of the rest of your life.

We have all heard people (mainly on TV) that have made that statement.  They decided to make a change one day and it was a new beginning.  There was no looking back.  So why is it you and I make a decision and then fall back into the habits of today that keep us stuck in the days of yesterday?  Why can’t today be a new day; a day that is tackled, that is won, that we have victory over?

Is it really as simple as a decision?  Decision has a lot to do with it, but I think there is the underlying attitude behind the decision.  For those who we have heard and seen transform their lives through one decision, there lies hiding in the background, behind the lights, smiles, and excitment the understanding that the decision was not a simple “Today is the day.”  In words, it was simple, but in reality, if you were to ask them, “Did this take you only one try?”  They would answer no.

The key to making a life-changing decision falls on the shoulders of resolve.  

Those that have made the decisions that change lives, only are able to accomplish what they do because of the resolve to achieve it.  It is not a one day decision, it is an everyday, every hour, every minute, every second decision to stay the course.  Reality has finally set in that the hopeful future and current reality will not intersect.  The resolve is to get those roads to come together.

What do you need to resolve today?  Is your current reality going to lead you to your preferred future?

If not, its time to decide today, to decide this hour, this minute, this second, to become the person of your future.

Jun 24 2011
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Behavior, Character, Direction, Growth, Identity, Imitation, Ray Bradbury

Imitation Limits

I have been recently trying to find some good books on how to improve my writing and I came across Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury.  For those of you that don’t know Bradbury has been an acclaimed author of books like, The Martian Chronicles, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Dandelion Wine, and Fahrenheit 451.

As I have been getting into this book, Bradbury hits on something not only that helped me see about writing, but also showed me something that I think we can all get sucked into if we are not careful.  Bradbury discusses how as a young writer, he now realized that part of his problem in writing was that:

I was so busy imitating.

This statement struck me.  In some senses I think that imitation can be very valuable.  If you don’t know where to start, then climbing on the backs of those that have gone before you can be a great place to start.  However, Bradbury shows great wisdom in suggesting that far too often we stay busy imitating, and in doing so we forfeit the individuality and creativity that resides down inside of us.  If we stay the course of imitating, we lose out on the struggle and process on finding our “own delights and despairs”; we lose out on finding our strengths and talents that we were created to use.

Imitation is a great starting point, but don’t stop there.  Don’t get stuck in the habit of living someone else’s desires and life simply because it seems easier.  The moment you begin to search how God created you, you will find that the life he has for you is far easier and more enjoyable to live.

Jun 14 2011
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Anthony Wiener, Behavior, Character, Consequences

Public and Private Life

If you have been watching any news recently, you would have heard about Representative Anthony Weiner.  As I have watched how the coverage of this story progresses, there eventually comes the argument that someone’s personal life is different than their public life.  As if one doesn’t influence the other.  Why have we come to this conclusion?

From Weiner’s case to many others that similarly happen across the nation, there is a common misconception that your personal life shouldn’t or doesn’t affect your public life.  I find this hard to believe for a number of reasons.  I don’t understand how we have come to the idea that we have multiple lives.  We have one life.  We might have different roles that we play in our lives, but one life.  Whether it is personal or public, a persons life is the same.

Second, is the interesting aspect that our personal lives are off-limits to our public lives.  I, like anyone else, want privacy, but lets not fool ourselves into thinking that our public lives don’t reflect our personal lives.  Who you are when no one is looking is the point of true character.  And that character will eventually show itself from the private to the public.  The private life always influences the public life.

I think that these are decisions that have come to bear their fruit.  In the case of politicians and stars, the media “invades” the personal life, only because it is the personal life decisions that have finally have come to the public.  For us who our not in the lime light, the story is the same just without the cameras and professional pundits.  Your personal life will show itself to the public.  Whether your public is millions of TV viewers or just your family and friends, the facts are still the same:  Who you are on the inside influences all of your actions, they will come light…Why?  Because those decisions define who we really are.

Jun 10 2011
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Behavior, Character, Clarity, Consequences, Direction, Grace

Sin and Salvation

In our Adult Wednesday night class at Victory Family Church, we began discussing the issue of sin and being a Christian.  As Christians we understand that when we accept Christ in our lives, we surrender our agenda and take on his.  One of the questions that was raised was the issue of how do we (Christians) reconcile with the fact that each of us will struggle with particular sin throughout our lives?  Another way to put it, How do we still call ourselves Christians when we repeatedly sin?  Is there a point to when we lose our salvation through our repeated decisions and actions to not follow Christ’s teachings?

These questions are not only complicated, but can also bring up major theological differences depending on who you talk to.  Some same, “once saved, always saved”.  Others say, “you can lose your salvation”.  Our discussion on Wednesday led us down the road that I think is important and something that should be discussed more often.

I feel like for Christians more often than not we treat “asking God for forgiveness” is a routine.  We have lost the weight of sin as what it really does: separates us from God.  We also lose the sight of the magnitude of the price that was paid for the honor to ask for forgiveness.  I think we lose sight of what Paul asks us: “Should we go on sinning so that grace may increase?”  The obvious answer is no.  The knowledge of grace never equals the freedom to do what is wrong now in order to follow-up later with forgiveness.

Many protestants have always had a hard time with the Catholic church in this area, because when looking from the outside, we seem to believe that Catholics feel like it is OK to live in sin for the week because they know that they can go to confessional on Saturday or Sunday and get forgiveness.  In some or maybe a lot of cases this might be true.  However, the Catholic church in its early foundation of confessionals were actually purposed to be far more Biblical than even what the protestants currently act.

Confessionals were set-up to put into practice what James 5 tells us: “Confess your sins to one another…”  The goal of confessional was to have someone come and confess and that was to be their last time to come and confess that particular sin.  There was accountability with the priest and parishioner.  Today, however, whether Catholic or Protestant it seems like the accountability is lacking and the idea of confessing a sin being a final thing is lost.  What then does this do to the heart, mind, and decision-making process of today’s Christian?

I believe it deaden’s the impact of sin and creates a “get-out-of-jail free card” mentality.  I guess the real question is, “How many of these cards do we get?”  I have always said that I believe there is no place where God’s grace can’t reach us, but grace isn’t normal.  Grace is something that is not deserved.  The reality is that we will all struggle with the process of becoming like Christ in this life.  Luckily for us, Christ knows the heart of the individual.  How then do we know if we are saved?  I think faith in the fact that Christ can save us, redeem us, and free us from the things that continue to entrap us.  I also though believe that we must look clearly at the path’s we choose.  Whether they lead us towards the things that continue to trip us up or do they lead around such obstacles.

In the end I think we must look at what our intentions are: To try to live the same life we always have, or trying to live the life that Christ has for us.  I guess it comes down to our choices.  We choose which path we will take.  We are on a journey that leads to a destination.  Make sure you are on the road that leads to your desired destination.

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