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Dec 13 2011
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celebration, Character, Family, Happy Birthday, Mom

A Letter For My Mom

This friday, December 16th, my mom turns 60 years old.  There is something about milestone birthdays that bring about different emotions, thoughts, and disbelief.  Born in 1951, Sandra Kay Carr entered the world stamped for service.  Her name, meaning “Helper”, is what she has grown to become.  If you have ever been around someone who is always thinking about how they can help, serve, and give to the one’s they love then you know just a glimpse of who my mom is.  Words like generous, giving, sacrificial, hard-worker, encourager, and servant don’t encapsulate the entirety of my mom.

How does one measure the entirety of a person that over a 60 year period?  Some look at the amount of money earned in a lifetime, others at titles, property, retirement age, and other forms of “life” measurements.  The true measure of success has to grounded firmly.  Measuring life is tough, but there are some clear pictures that we find has been apart of the foundations of time.  Foundations like Proverbs 31, Proverbs 22:6, Deuteronomy 6:1-9, Joshua 24:15, and Matthew 7:24-27 are all starting points of fine measurements.

I am sure that my mom has and will continue to reflect on the past 60 years.  The reflections of a child in a home of hard-working parents.  Reflections of a high-schooler realizing love makes you want to create dreams with another.  Reflections of early marriage and finding the promised land (for those who don’t know yet…that would be Kentucky).  Reflections of the self-proclaimed “most important gifts from God”.  Reflections of those lost too early, mistakes of the past, and looking forward to what the future holds.

60 years is not summed up in numeric time, but rather moments.  Moments that bring tears of joy, sorrow, love, and hope.  When I look back at the 27 years being my mother’s son, I can see the moments and how fast they go by.  Yet there has always been a consistency of character, consistency of motion, and consistency of love.  These have transcended the moments we hold on to and align with the timeline of 27 years that I have known generosity, encouragement, and love.  The fact is that this has been true of my mom for a lot longer than 27 years, it has been apart of her for her lifetime.  Character and love don’t make the moments, they transcend the moments.  They are the person.  And for me, there is no one in my life that has had a greater impact on my life than that of my mom, Sandra Carr Holcomb.  She epitomizes the character of a noble wife, loving mother, and strong Christian foundation.

60 years is nothing to worry or fear.  60 years allows us to look back at the moments, but most importantly look at the person who was apart of those moments.  The person of generosity, service, hope, and love.

Have a wonderful Birthday on Friday Mom.

Love,

Jonathan

Oct 05 2011
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#wcalgs, Andy Stanley, Book Review, Choosing to Cheat, Family

Choosing to Cheat

Wanted to write a quick post today about a book that I picked up and read a while back by Andy Stanley entitled, Choosing to Cheat.  You might be saying to yourself, “Oh this must be some book about why people cheat on each other; probably not the right book for me.”  In reality, this book sets up with the premise that “Everyone cheats”.  We are not talking about sexual cheating, but cheating when it come to time and energy.

Stanley subtitle to this book is, Who Wins when Family and Work Collide.  This is a constant tension for most people.  Wanting to be successful in our business life and yet wanting to make sure  that we have a loving family as well.  Too often what happens is we focus solely on business life, making the excuse that being successful in our jobs means providing for our families.  Providing our families with what though?  It my provide them with money, but is that really what your family wants.

There is no doubt that our families what financial security, but what about your focus, energy, and presence?  Haven’t we seen too many families break apart because spouses become roommates, and kids act out in order to gain the attention of mom and dad?

We all choose to cheat; how will choose to cheat is the real question?  In a talk at a past Willow Creek Leadership Summit, Stanley made a great statement for all church leaders.  Stanley stated that “Jesus said that he would grow his church.  He told us to love our wives like he loves the church.”

The inference here is life changing if we let it be.  It was never out job to love the church, but rather to love our families.  Our priorities must fall in line with God’s priorities.  When we love our families and choose to cheat on work or church, then we are choosing what is best.  We are not saying that you don’t work hard or don’t commit yourself to work, but what we must realize is that we are first called to our families.  We are going to cheat someone; at least we get the opportunity to choose who and what.

Aug 23 2011
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Behavior, Change, Decisions, Direction, Family, msnbc, Personal Responsibility, Relationship

Marriage, Health, and Person Responsibility

I just was reading an article on MSNBC.com entitled, “Marriage’s ‘dark side’: Spouses catch each other’s bad behavior”.  This rather short article on a recent study about marriages and long-term couples catching each other’s bad behaviors is interesting.  I don’t disagree with the fact that we all (individually) bring bad behaviors into marriages and/or relationships.  Some are not good for our health, spiritual life, or many other areas in our lives.  Specifically in the this article, the issue of bad behaviors of health are discussed.

The author cites three major problems where behaviors are hurt within a relationship: “influence, synchronicity, and personal responsibility.”

I do think that all three are factors within relationship health, not just general physical health.  But as I look at these three, I wonder which of these is the most important factor?  Or can focussing on one bend the bad to being good?

It is clear to me that personal responsibility is the overriding factor.  Why?  First of all, personal responsibility is in short supply in today’s society.  There is a constant “blame game” that goes on at every level of leadership and cultural groups in the US.  This also includes marriages.  I believe that most people who are married want to “catch” good behaviors from each other.  Yet personal responsibility is lacking.  When a spouse has personal responsibility (over physical, spiritual, emotional or mental health) positive influence is built.  The other spouse can look on with pride at the responsibility level of his or her partner.  This creates positive influence.  With that positive influence comes synchronicity.   All of the sudden couples find themselves working out together, eating healthier, reading together, praying together; moving in synchronization together.

Personal responsibility is a powerful tool, not only for individuals, but families as well.  The reality is that we will “catch” each others behaviors whether positive or negative.  Yet sometimes it takes just one person in the relationship to say, “Its time to take responsibility, and I choose to influence my families behavior in a positive way.”

Jul 15 2011
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Communication, Consequences, Debt Talks, Family, GOP, Leadership, Listening, msnbc, Obama

Suspended Talks

Over the last few months now the news has been ever-increasing on the upcoming debt ceiling breach that will occur in the US.  Both side, republican and democrat, have decided to play politics and seem to be waiting to see who will blink first.  Even today, MSNBC reports that President Obama is suspending talks for the day.  We could go on and argue all kinds of things with this story; from why we are in debt, where we need to tax and where we need to cut.

In looking at the title story on MSNBC today got me thinking about how you and I “suspend talks” in our own lives.  There are important decisions in our lives all the time.  Often times with those decision come conflict.  Sometimes the conflict is between a wife and a husband, parents and kids, an employee and boss, or any number of situations.  Conflict really is not the issue though.  We all deal with conflict in our lives.  Conflict is only heightened when we “suspend talks”.

Communication is the key to any conflict resolution.  Communication is a two-way street: talking and listening.  We have the talking part down fine.  However, listening is something else.  Listening is NOT:

  • Thinking of an answer as someone else talks
  • Cutting others off as they speak
  • Coming ups with reasons why the other person is wrong
Listening is listening.  It is hearing the other persons perspective and views on an issue.  When we listen, we try to put ourselves in the shoes of the other individual.  Listening gives perspective, brings mutual respect, and lends itself to a solution.
Don’t “suspend talks” in your life.  The consequences of suspending talks with your wife, family, friends, and others is much greater than even the current debts talks.  What good is it to “be right” and lose the people who you value the most?
Jul 08 2011
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Family, Leadership, Sanctus Real

Lead Me

There is a song that came out a long while ago by Sanctus Real called, “Lead Me“.  The great thing about this song is the way the band and writers recognize that a family needs leadership and that leadership can only come from above.  We all have seen families self-destruct; living in a surreal world that looks calm and collected from the outside and yet torn and destroyed on the inside.  I begin to wonder how many of these families are in the walls of our churches, raising the next generation is such dysfunction that it nearly assures us that the next generation will struggle even more than the one that came before it.  I also wonder, where is the leadership in our families today?  Where are those parents, separated or married, that would stand-up and say, “I take responsibility for my life, my family’s life, and choose today to lead.”

In the song, “Lead Me,” I love one of the early lines that says, “…but on the inside I can hear her saying, Lead me…” The inside speaks, it calls out in silent desperation for someone to lead, someone to bring hope, assurance, and love.  The inside calls for life to return.

How will we answer the call?

We reach as high as we can towards the voices of heaven, and cry out from the inside our souls saying, “Lord, lead me.”  When we take this step we recognize that our leadership comes through humility.  We begin to understand that leading begins by responding first to the leading of God.

 

Jun 15 2011
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Andy Stanley, Change, Consequences, Family, Legacy

Generational Consequences

Not too long ago I started using youversion.com with my daily devotions.  It is a great resource with all sorts of devotional plans and ways to share what you are learning.  Interestingly enough, one of my readings today really showed me something that otherwise would seem like monotonous reading.  In I Kings 16, the writer goes on what seems to be an endless cycle of Kings that take the throne of Israel and how they “did what was evil” in the site of God and essentially God killed them (or had them killed in battle).  Through this monotonous reading of names and how they dishonored God it hit me on how the author kept going back to the name of Jeroboam.

Why is this all of a sudden important or even significant?  The reason is that the decisions that Jeroboam made while he lived and ruled on the earth had consequences generations after he was gone.

Some people argue that families or people who continually have troubles or issues have a family or generational curse (ie. Kennedy Family).  However, I tend to lean less towards the curse idea and more towards how Andy Stanley puts it, generational consequences.

When you look at I Kings 16 the reoccurring theme is that each king, “followed in the footsteps of Jeroboam.”  They followed.  They made the same decisions that the previous generation had made before them.  We look at it from an outside view and we think, “Why did they continue to make the same mistake as the one before them?  Didn’t they see that each king was removed by God because of their wickedness?  Why didn’t they change?”

Those are easy questions to ask when we are on the outside looking in.  However, when someone has been raised to believe and act in a particular way, the way of their father’s and ancestors, change is anything but easy.  Why?  Because decisions made now by you and by me will affect the way our future generations decide as well.

This seems pretty weighty doesn’t it?  How can we be responsible for the decisions of those that come after us?  We are responsible to put the next generation on the right path through our decisions…that is our responsibility.  If they choose to deviate from that path, then the responsibility falls to them.

Why is it that people who were molested as children are far more likely to also molest when they get older?  Hurt people, hurt people.  Alcoholics generally produce alcoholics.  Addicts produce addicts.  Our decisions have a compounding impact on those around us.  They don’t just affect us or our children after us, there are generational consequences to our decisions.

What are you deciding today?

 

 

Jun 03 2011
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Andy Stanley, Character, Direction, divorce, Family, Love, Marriage

Just Married: Preparing is an Inside Job

Having just listened to one of the best sermon series on The New Rules for Love, Sex, & Dating from North Point Community Church it interested me to come across an article entitled, “Did You Marry the Wrong Guy?”  In this article, author Kimberly Goad talks about how %30 of now divorced women say that they “knew it was wrong from the start,” yet they walked down the aisle anyway and got married.  In this article, Goad makes reference to an individuals story of some of the reasons why she still decided to walk down the aisle even though she felt that it was the wrong thing to do.  Some of the reasons include:

  • Unrealistic view on Love
  • Feeling uneasy about getting older and the biological clock
  • Wedding fever
One of the most interesting statements of the article was this though:
“…you’re leaving behind your 20s – a decade of experimentation, one-night stands, and making mistakes, professionally and personally. In the next decade, you’re seen as an adult and can’t do those things.”
I think that this statement sums up much of the problem with the ideas of marriage and contains all of above bullet-points.  First of all your 20′s don’t have to be a decade of “experimentation, one-night stands, and making mistakes.”  This is a choice.  The fact remains that the decisions to make a season of your life all about experimentation and one-night stands puts you on a path that leads to always dating the kind of people that want experimentation and one-night stands.  In The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating, Andy Stanley talks about the phenomenon of women who say that they always seem to date “bad guys.”  His response is that the only common factor in every one of those “bad relationships” is the girl.  She is choosing to date the bad guys…why?  Because who you are is who you are going to have relationships with.
The woman who made the comment about the “decade of experimentation” is somehow shocked by the fact that she feels uneasy about marrying a guy whom she has probably dated throughout her entire 20′s.  Why is she so worried?  Because those are the kind of guys that you don’t make a life with; you make one-night stands with…there is not trust in that.
The other reasons for “rushing” into marriage (the biological clock and wedding fever) have an easy answer to solve.  If you ever feel like your “clock” is running short or you “just really want to get married” then remember this:
There are far more worse things in life than not being married.
What is worse?  Being in a marriage where you cannot trust the one that you are supposed to be able to trust fully.  Being in a marriage that is abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, and showing no signs of love or respect.  Being in a marriage “only for the kids”; living as roommates.  There are more, but you only have to ask those who have been through the muck and mire of marriage that destroyed people’s emotions, lives, and time.  People who have had these kinds of marriages will tell you that marriage is not something to go into lightly.
How do you then have a successful marriage?  It first starts with you.  You become the individual that you want to marry.  It’s an inside job.  Working to refine who you are as an individual.  Look at your past decisions and they will tell a tale of where your future is heading.  Likewise, look at the past of your potential spouse.  Their past decisions layout a picture of where they are headed, and once you get married, you will be headed in the same direction.  If you find yourself believing that he/she will change particular actions once you get married, you will be gravely mistaken.  As we get older, we only become more of who we already are.
Future hope is great.  Marriage is great.  But don’t get blinded by the aspirations of a life that you never prepared for.
Apr 29 2011
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Craig Groeschel, Direction, Family, Growth, Heart, Weird

What Matters Most?

I have been continuing in Craig Groeschel’s new book, Weird.  Most recently I was reading the section on money, and particularly debt.  Groeschel makes the easy case for staying out of debt and making the choice to get on the right path.  Towards the end of the chapter 4 I love what Groeschel says about getting out of debt, because it can also be applied to so many other different avenues of our lives;

(Y)ou have to make a choice about what matters most and then act on your heart’s desire.

Making the choice of what matters the most must be our hearts desire.  Each time we choose a direction, we drive an extra stake in the ground of our hearts to that particular direction; it is our hearts desire.  What matters most to you?  Your spouse and children or your golf game?  Your friends or your spouse?  Your things or freedom?  Your way or God’s way?

What matters to you the most comes out of the desire of your heart.  Your choices will either confirm your hearts desire or shift it down another path.  Every decision matters because it does affect the desires of your heart.  And our hearts take the lead in directing us throughout life.

Apr 27 2011
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Attitude, Book Review, Family, Marcus Buckingham, strengths

Family Strength

I recently reviewed a DVD and book by Marcus Buckingham called, The Truth About You.  This is a great little book and DVD about playing to your strengths.  In it, Buckingham states that a strength should leave you feeling energized and wanting more.  As I was thinking about this concept for some reason I began to think about how this applies to our families.

Oftentimes, people say bad things about their spouses and children.  For these people, family is draining, unfulfilling, and they want less and less of them.  For them family is a weakness.  However when it comes to our spouses and children, they must be one of our greatest strengths.

Unlike other activities, we get to choose how our families energize us.  Not everything we do with our families will energize us, but the presence of our family should always leave us wanting more.  I know for me, my wife is one of my greatest strengths.  When we go shopping, I might feel drained afterwards, but my desire to be with her doesn’t change.  Activity with your family can’t define whether or not you see them as a strength.  We choose them to be strengths in our lives or we make them weaknesses in our lives.

“The truth about you” and me is that our families have the ability to be the greatest strengths in our lives.  Will you choose to let them be strengths?

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